Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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