So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
3pm strippers are depressing
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just had sex on a roof
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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