omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
