My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
