Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
His nipple licking is glorious
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