She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
