just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he puts the penis in happiness.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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