Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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