Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
