I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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