Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
what the fuck happened to the tacos
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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