Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
