just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i drank out of a bidet.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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