My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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