She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
