hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
