I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
