he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
