I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
