the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
