I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
