i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize