She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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