I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize