he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
