I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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