Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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