We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
