She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize