If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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