I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
