how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You ruined the universe
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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