I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
