I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
