It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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