My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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