Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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