I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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