those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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