I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
