i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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