I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
