Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
