just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize