I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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