My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
