my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
