i would punch a child for taco bell
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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