You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
