Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
