I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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