Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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