I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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