Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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