I wish I could punch you in the face.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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