I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
