Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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