I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Plan B is the new Plan A
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
