walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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