thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
