Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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