So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize