If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
