god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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