Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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