I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize